OAKLAND, CA – The crazy old man in a sweatsuit who claims to own the Oakland Raiders, announced today that he would be interested in having disgraced NY Giants receiver, Plaxico Burress join his team.
“Even with a hole in his leg he would still be an upgrade from Javon Walker”, ranted the Geriatric One during an impromptu press conference at Raiders HQ.
“Plus, I seem to recall that the speakeasy’s in Oakland are much more tolerant of patrons bringing their guns with them”, he continued.
Before leaving the podium on his 22-inch chrome rimmed Rascal scooter, the elderly owner offered a piece of sage advice to Burress, that only one with such vast experience could attain;
“I would recommend Depends-brand adult diapers to prevent any further ‘accidental discharges'”
– MCZF1
What’s left out of all this brouhaha is Antonio Pierce’s actions. Pierce takes the gun, drives Burress to the hospital without ever contacting the authorities, then drives home with the gun. Pierce commits a number of felonies himself in conjunction with the shooting — and yet he is allowed to play two days later and no disciplinary action is taken towards him at all! And he has yet to be charged with anything! While everybody is tripping over themselves praising the New York Giants and the NFL for taking quick action against Burress, what we all should be doing is wondering why nothing has been done to Pierce. If I had to guess? The Giants have more than proven they can win without Burress — but they clearly need Pierce to anchor their linebacker corps. If anybody out there still thinks this isn’t a star-driven league — where the players you need are excused a hell of a lot more than they players you don’t need, and as a result players like Pierce get a pass while players like Burress are on a short leash — think again.