WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION
My wife was flying to Sacramento to go to her 10 year high school reunion and nagged me to go. I thought it would be a great idea to drive my friend’s car back to California and also save money on the airfare and meet up with my wife.
Ya got it. Good.
I left with suitcases packed, car full of gas, cigs, coke, and a whole lot of Slim Jims. You know, mystery meat encased in oil and salt. Good stuff, too.
I left Beaver Dam at 8:00 am and headed across the great Mississippi into Iowa. That’s when I noticed that the radio didn’t work. I couldn’t deal with that. This car was fine when I left.
Oh well, I happened to bring my cassette tapes with me, as few of them as I have left since I only buy CDs. So, I’m rocking with Winger and checking out the state of Iowa. It rained a lot. My plan was to get to Lincoln, Nebraska for my first night. No problems.
I checked into the Lincoln Best Western, got some beer and was getting hungry. I didn’t know what I was in the mood for. The best way to find out what to eat in a strange city is check the phone book. I did that and decided on a pizza from a place I think was called Serintino’s.
The ad said “Classic style pizza since 1962”. Well I guess since they have been around since 1962 it should be good. Wrong.
(INTELLIGENCE ALERT INTELLIGENCE ALERT) My conversation with the pizza guy :
(ring ring)-that’s what a phone sounds like in text.
” Serintino’s can you hold please”
“Can I help you?”
Yea, I’m staying at the Best Western. Do you deli…
“Have you been helped?”
uh… yea, Do you deliver to hotels?
“Sure, which one?”
Best Western by the airport
“By the airport? Let me ask my boss, please hold….”
click….. dial tone………..
As I’m looking at the phone, I can’t help but feel some sympathy for people with mental disabilities. I imagine a small school bus stopping by a place called Serintino’s.
The doors to the bus open and pour forth a dozen or so slobbering helmet-wearing hand-slapping-their-chest retards who we only know as…the pizza guys.
Well, I did get my pizza. It didn’t surprise me that they were out of pepperoni. The quality was fair. What really turned me off was the sauce. Bland and bland. A word of advice. Stick to what you know about when you want to eat.
I shoulda coulda woulda ordered from Pizza Hut but didn’t. Oh well.
I ordered the Southern Slam. Whatever it was, it was cold and tasteless. The two bacon strips they gave me looked like it came out of my son’s diaper. I left it in the middle of the plate in defiance!
“I will not eat bacon that looks like poopy”, I silently yelled to myself! I didn’t complain.
The waitress that served me was very good looking and had a tendency to bend over my table. I forgot about the bacon as my eyes were filled with supple full breasts. Bada bing, bada boom. Another satisfied customer.
I made it to Rawlins that day at about 5:00pm. I got a room at the Days Inn and went directly to the bar. A beautiful blonde bartender brought my double vodka tonic. I quickly downed it and went to the restaurant on the premises.
The place was nice. I’m talking real nice. Clean, white tablecloth, double check your wallet, why am here by myself kinda nice.
The waitress came and asked if I wanted anything from the bar. I asked for, “another of theesse. please”, a slight slur in my speech.
She carded me first. “You have such a baby face”, she squeeked.
“Yes, I know”, just my face though baby heh heh heh.
I was in desperate need of a cold shower I thought. I had been driving too long with no radio and I’m turning into a major flirt. I had the grilled chicken with rice and veggies and fresh baked bread. Excellent!
Stuffed and 95% satisfied, I dragged myself to the room and slept.
I found a gas station that was in the middle of nowhere and pulled off the highway. I always buy something if I use a business restroom. I just get paranoid that they will point me out to all the other people and yell,
“HE IS A NO GOOD BATHROOM ABUSER! GO AHEAD, USE OUR RESTROOM, YOU CHEAP SONOFABITCH!”
I bought some coffee. There wasn’t any lids for the cups. I fired up the car and carefully put the very hot and very full coffee between my legs. Ever so slowly I made my way out of the parking lot when I saw it. The semi from hell. It was all black with no markings and coming straight towards me. In the drivers seat was the beast. It looked at me with cold eyes and smiled with jagged teeth. It wasn’t stopping. I slammed on the brakes to avoid being hit by this creature of darkness. The beast sped by me and blasted its inhuman truck horn just missing the front of my car.
I was just at the exit of the parking lot when I felt an intense heat in my lap area. The hot coffee was soaking into my jeans and starting to sear my tender crotch. I jumped out of the car and yelled.
A family getting into their station wagon stopped and stared at this man who was yelling and dancing and cursing while holding his crotch. The father of the vehicle told his family to hurry and get inside the car. They sped away in a cloud of dust and gravel.
I looked down at my wetness and almost started to cry.
I got back in the car and burned up the highway looking for the beast.
“I’ll get him”, I said to myself, ” I will get him”.
I made it into Elko and checked in at the Red Lion Inn and Casino. I was tired and still moist and mad as hell. I had a nice dinner at the casino buffet, got a 12 pack of Miller beer and went to my room where I proceeded to get hammered.
I counted 11 empties. I started my coffee pot that was in the room and opened a window to enjoy a mountain sunrise. That’s when I saw it. The semi from hell was parked just below my window.
I was on the third floor. I stared at it while I drank my java. The anger I had yesterday slowly crept up from my soul and I realized I had to pee very bad. So, I grabbed a beer can and filled it to the brim with last night’s nectar.
I waited. I watched. I drank more coffee. I filled another beer can.
The demon truck driver opened his cab door and stumbled out of the truck. He looked dirty and mean as he reared back and coughed out phlegm on the pavement. His eyes met mine and he grimaced.
“Morning”, I happily said.
He just mumbled and started for the casino to either eat or gamble. I threw my clothes in the suitcase and ran down to my car. I did my morning routine with the oil and fluid check etc and hurried back to my room. I ran to the window and looked down. The truck was gone. He was gone. I blinked to make sure this was not a hangover hallucination. The parking lot was clear. I stared dumbfounded at the empty parking lot holding my pee bombs for about ten minutes. Nothing. I had lost.
I reached Sacramento at about 3:30 pm. I pulled into the driveway of my mothers house. Everything was quiet. She stood in the doorway with a smile and gave me a big hug. I had made it. Everything was better now.
“Would you like a beer?” she said.
I nodded and sat down wearily at the dining nook.
“Bathrooms all clean if you need to use it.”
I gulped my ice cold beer and said, “No, Mom, I think I’ll wait till this beer can is empty.”
Then I laughed… and couldn’t stop laughing…It was just so funny…My mother looked at me with a quizzical look and smiled. I just kept laughing…
Chef Clark Jewell is now back in Wisconsin.
If you happen to drive a black, unmarked semi…he still has those “special brew” beers.