What Went Right? Pretty quick and responsive direct counterattack, and they took a few shots (albeit not on target). Other than that, they got to get out of the Korean Peninsula for the first time in their closed lives. I have no doubt that none of their losses were reported to the Korean masses, so they probably got to go home afterwards, show off a fake World Cup trophy and wear pretty fake winner’s medals in front of a cheering throng of one million at the parade square in Pyongyang before being sent off to re-education camps. It’s not like anybody there would know any better.
What Went Wrong? I was going to compliment the DPRK on how compact, disciplined and composed they were in the center, especially in the back, not allowing themselves to be drawn out of their tactical rigidity. But we saw how fast that disintegrated. For God’s sakes, they gave up 12 goals in three games! Blaming the weather on how easily Portugal just shredded this supposedly disciplined defense is way too easy. Fact is the DPRK backline stayed back so much without actually having possession that their games were played almost exclusively on their end of the pitch, and they did a piss-poor job of getting the ball out of it. What’s their excuse against the Ivory Coast, never saw blacks before (which I’m sure is true)? Where the hell does this kind of siege mentality come from? Bottom line is that they showed absolutely no ability to perform any other facet of football other than to act like they were digging in at the 38th Parallel during The Great War (their term). The only kind of attacking this side knows how to do is with AK-47’s, MiG’s and shitty North Korean land mines. This side was the very personification of what’s really wrong with closed totalitarian societies: It’s not that they don’t let anything or anybody out, but rather they don’t let anything such as tactical football strategies and techniques in.
Who Stepped Up To The Plate? Left fullback Ji Yun-Nam had a beautiful breakaway and got on the scoreboard. Hey, that’s something.
Who Didn’t Show Up? Everyone else. I’d tell you who they are, but not only would you not know them, I’m sure the Stalinist dictatorship there would send an assassination squad after me because they don’t want you to know – that’s just how they like it. And let’s not forget those “North Korean fans” that showed up at the first group fixture against Brazil. Turns out they weren’t “North Korean” at all, but – wait for it – paid loyalist Chinese actors handpicked to portray North Koreans. What, you didn’t really think that a totalitarian regime even Orwell couldn’t have imagined was going to actually let any of its citizens out to watch football matches ten thousand miles away, did you?
How Was The Coaching? I guess that invisible microphone Kim Jong-Hun was wearing to get tactical in-game instructions and inspiration from Great Leader Kim Jong-Il wasn’t working. ‘Cuz we all knows how much of an unparalleled football genius the Great Leader is, don’t we? Damn Russian technology!
Did They Finish Where They Were Expected? What, you haven’t heard? They won! North Korea are the 2010 World Cup Champions! Got the 13-pound copper World Cup trophy to prove it. That’s what they’ve been reporting on the only North Korean television channel, the one that’s on their air 6 hours per day.
Now What? I have no doubt that this side already has 23 new players (remember that whole re-education camp thing?). Don’t you just love authoritarian totalitarian regimes?
(PERSONAL NOTE TO THE GREAT LEADER: I WAS ONLY KIDDING ABOUT THIS WHOLE ANALYSIS. I HOPE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR IS AS GREAT AS YOUR BENEVOLENCE. PLEASE DON’T HAVE ME KILLED OR KIDNAP MY LOVELY NIECE BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY TO BECOME A POLITBURO MEMBER’S WIFE.)