In The Beginning
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the wife cook in the dark.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman!
Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
He: I’d like to marry your daughter.
Father: Have you seen my wife yet?
He: Yes, I have. But I prefer your daughter.
The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn’t marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?” he said.
“Yes”, she responded “So what?”
“I would have gotten out of prison today”, he sobbed.
Then There’s Sex
What is 6″ long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?
How can you tell if a woman has an orgasm?
Why do women fake orgasms?
They think we care.
Why do women have breasts and vaginas?
Because otherwise they would be completely fucking useless.
Why do women have breasts?
To make suckers out of men.
What is that useless piece of skin called around a vagina?
And then there’s…
Why do women like intelligent men?
What do you call an intelligent woman in America?
Some mornings I wake up grouchy…and some mornings I just let her sleep!
How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It’s a woman’s job.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
She’s a woman!
How is marriage like a hot bath?
Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.”
Husband: “Which is this?”
A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator.
There is a $10 note lying on the ground. Who picks it up?
The businessman; the other two don’t exist!
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told!
25 Rules For Women (By Men)
- SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
- Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
- Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
- If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
- Butthead is the smart one.
- Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
- You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.
- Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about “us” and “the relationship”.
- Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
- Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
- Socks never constitute a gift.
- Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
- We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.
- We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
- Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.
- Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do “Sirens” rather than “Waterworld.”
- Curly is the bald one.
- Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
- Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
- It’s in neither your interest nor ours to take “The Quiz” together.
- Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
- Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
- Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
- No, you can’t have the remote control.
- If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions so he decides to create a companion for man as well.
He comes to see Adam and says to him, “Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg.”
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies reluctantly, “I don’t know God, an arm and a leg is an awful lot, what could I get for, say, a rib…”
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded ‘yes.’ After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained.
“He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
To which the Captain replied, “He sure is, lady… This is the Staten Island Ferry.”
Be Nice To Your Wife
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.
State cop: “License and registration please.”
Man: “I’m sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?”
State cop: “I clocked you on radar doing 75 miles per hour.”
Man: “There must be some mistake, I was only going 65.”
Wife: “Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!”
State cop: “I’m also citing you for having a tail light out.”
Man: “But officer, I wasn’t aware it was out.”
Wife: “Oh Harold, you know it’s been out for two months.”
State Cop: “I’m also fining you for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car.”
Wife: “Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Listen you dumb *&^^%$, shut your !@#$’ mouth!!!”
State Cop: “Ma’am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: “Only when he’s drunk…”