Feed Your Face, Vol 2 No 2: Fair Food

Fair Food

A curious look into why we get fat just looking at it.

Hey everyone!

Long time, no write. Oh well, sorry about that.
You see, I had a pretty rough winter. I won’t go into it because it is just too crappy to even talk about, but let’s just say that all is now good.
And if not, I know where my shotgun and shovel are. Right? Hee hee… OK…

Fair food is so damn yummy…
If you’re like me, one of the reasons to go to a fair is because you KNOW you are going to eat as much crap as possible. You give yourself a one-day permit to put on as much weight as you can. Screw the diet, screw your wallet and screw my wife’s friends. You are on a mission. A mission to consume the fattiest of the fat. The sweetest of the sweets. And nobody will stop this feast of cholesterol overdosing, heart attack in the making, diarrhea inducing gluttony, which only a TRUE fair lover knows about. Can I get an Amen?

Walking down the rows of food stands at a county or state fair overwhelms my senses. I love the flashing lights. I love the neon blinking signs that shows each specialty they serve at each little food trailer. I love the feel and smell of hard concrete stuck with gum and spilled soda and beer. Bring it on, baby!

The different kinds of foods you find at a fair will make any true food lover feel like a kid in a candy store. So many choices. So little time and money. So much fat.

Because when I believe in something, I am usually right. I believe in chowing down fair food a few times during the summer. I hate it when dietitians always pounce on how BAD it is. They always say, “Oh, don’t eat that! It is so BAD. Eat this instead.”

I will now share some dialogue between myself and a dietitian on an online forum regarding Fair Food:

***Welcome to EAT TO LIVE chat forum***
CHEF_CLARK: Hello? Can I talk with someone about foods from the fair?
MS_CINDY: Hi there chef Clark. I can answer some questions for you.
CHEF_CLARK: If you don’t mind, what is your education regarding food?
MS_CINDY: Oh, OK. Well, I am a dietitian here at the Kenosha Hospital and I have been on the staff for 12 years.
CHEF_CLARK: Wow that’s really great. OK, if you don’t mind me asking you some questions?
MS_CINDY: No not at all. Go ahead.
CHEF_CLARK: Great. Are you married?
MS_CINDY: Excuse me?
CHEF_CLARK: There are so many types of food at the fair. Cheese on a stick, deep fried turkey legs, gyros, hot dogs, brats, burgers, mini donuts, deep fried cheesecake, deep fried ice-cream, chocolate bananas on a stick, cream puffs, funnel cakes, Navajo bread. Deep fried Oreos, deep fried Twinkies, sausage sandwiches. Plus every possible thing they can put on a stick they will. What do you think about all this great food?
MS_CINDY: Well, there are not too many healthy choices at the fairs it seems. One funnel cake alone has 800 calories and 40 grams of fat. So lets say that…

*** Please note: I stopped watching her type after this. I edited it the best I could so as to make sense to my readers but this long winded bitch kept going and going and going… Here is the conclusion of my edited transcript. *****

MS_CINDY: blah blah blah, fat. Blah blah blah, bad for you. Blah blah blah, more than a single serving. Blah blah blah, cholesterol per whatever… yadda yadda yadda, I have no life etc etc etc
CHEF_CLARK: Wow, Cindy that was some great information. I will pass that on to my readers. Thanks so much.
MS_CINDY: You are welcome, Chef Clark
CHEF_CLARK: Oh, I have one more question for you
CHEF_CLARK: When you eat a corn dog at the fair do you get the regular 6 inch ones or do you go for the 12 inch long monsters?
MS_CINDY: Well, gosh I guess I would have to say the 6 inch one. I have never had a foot long one.
CHEF_CLARK: You have never had a foot long ones? LOL Wow, how come?
MS_CINDY: Umm, well the 6 inch ones are just fine. I’ve never really thought about anything bigger than that.
CHEF_CLARK: Lets just say that you and your girlfriends go to the fair. They all want the big, hot foot long corn dogs. They giggle over how big it is. You watch them squirt mustard from the top all the way down to its base. You see their eyes light up as they open up their mouth to accommodate all that corn dog goodness. They…
MS_CINDY: I should really get going
CHEF_CLARK: I’m not done yet. And they moan with pleasure as they slowly consume inch after savory inch. And when they are done they each say out loud how good it was. How they can’t believe they stuffed themselves with something that huge. How satisfied they feel now. How they have never felt so full. Didn’t you ever want that Cindy? Don’t you ever get jealous that your girlfriends always get something twice the size that you never get?
MS_CINDY: My husbands penis is just fine. I mean, no, ummm NO… I mean, yes, I’ve always thought about it. Hold on. We are talking about corn dogs right?
CHEF_CLARK: OH MY GOD!!! WTF did you think I was talking about? This is for a food article ya pervert. Look, I’m happily married. Not looking. I am out of here. Thanks, but no thanks
MS_CINDY: Hey wait…I didn’t mean
***Thank you for visiting EAT TO LIVE chat forum***

Wow! That’s the last time I go online to chat for a while. Freaking perverts out there can’t answer a basic question without throwing in the sexual innuendos. Well, whatever…

So go out to the fair! Take your family and have a good time. EAT, EAT AND EAT! You only live once in this world!

I’ll be hanging around the corn dog stands looking for Cindy… hee hee… Um. No, I wont.



Damn it. I can’t decide…

Chef Clark Jewell lives in Wisconsin, where there are 173 state, county and community fairs each year.