Feed Your Face, Vol 2 No 1: Dieting Sucks

Dieting Sucks

Hey everyone!

Chef Clark here with some stories and a recipe or two. So sit back, read this and enjoy.

For the last two years, I have been on a strict diet. The goal of course was to lose weight and look really good for my twenty-year high school reunion – Class of 1984 El Camino High School in Sacramento, CA. This reunion took place in July of 2004 but more on that part later. For the two years leading up to the reunion, I have learned some things about dieting and myself:

  • Dieting sucks ass.
  • Everything you like has way more fat than your allowed to have in one serving.
  • People think your gay when reading the back of a “Lean Cuisine” frozen meal.
  • The checkout clerk at the grocery store thinks your gay AND you live alone because you have 30 “Lean Cuisine” frozen meals in your cart.
  • You start to wonder if you might just be gay because you take an interest in new clothes that actually fit you, while you are modeling yourself in front of the mirror at J.C Penny and singing “I’m Too Sexy”.

I wish I could give you a recipe for the perfect diet, but all I can do is tell you what worked for me. When I started to diet, I weighed 218 pounds. Today I weighed myself at 191 pounds. I went from wearing 40 inch waist jeans to 36 inch jeans and…my penis got bigger!


Either I didn’t notice it before or didn’t care, but it is bigger and I’m playing with it much more than I used to. Which actually is a lot lately but my counselor says that is OK! YOU GO BOY!

Ok, sorry, back to the foods part. Besides the Lean Cuisines, I ate a variety of good tasting low fat foods. Here is my list:


  • Albacore Tuna, right out of the can
  • Low Fat Triscuits.
  • Peanut Butter.
  • Beer
  • Grape Nuts cereal
  • Bean with Bacon soup
  • Split Pea with Ham soup
  • Brats and Gin
  • All raw fruits and veggies.
  • Did I mention Lean Cuisine?
  • Lots of black coffee

So your probably saying, “Hey! You can’t drink beer and gin on a diet!”

To which I say, “Oh yes I can, I now have a bigger penis and therefore must celebrate! Everyday.”

For two years I followed my diet unwavering like a new found zealot. I preached the good word of nutrition. I walked 30 minutes every day. I vocally damned the fatty foods in the grocery aisles.
“Get thee behind me Sarah Lee!!!” I would yell and cross my self while running for the frozen orange juice. Of course there were days I failed. At night as I laid in bed, the Evil One would tempt me.

EVIL ONE: “Dude! You’re doing so good and you look so hot. You should reward yourself with that whole cheesecake in the fridge”

ME: “No… I can’t do that. It’s not on my acceptable foods list.”

EVIL ONE: “But it has dairy in it… dairy will build strong bones, and ya know.. your not getting any younger.”

ME: “That’s a cheap shot, I’m not going to listen to you.”

EVIL ONE: “It will make your penis bigger…”

ME: “Damn you to hell, Evil One! I’ll get the fork and a ruler and meet you in the closet.”


ME: “OK… LOL.”

But in the end I stuck with it. I do look pretty good. I’m always getting second glances from women it seems. And my wife tends to grab my ass much more now than ever.

So the next step was to go to my reunion in California. But that is another story…

Stay tuned and watch out for the cheesecake.

Chef Clark Jewell lives in Wisconsin, but would be happy to accept donations from
the makers of Lean Cuisine to help pay for his on-going psychiatric program.