Feed Your Face, Vol 1 No 6: You Get What You Pay For


Hello and welcome to another fine month with Chef Clark.

Just to set the record straight, I won’t be doing articles every month. I try but sometimes I just can’t do it. I mean it’s not like I’m getting PAID or anything. I do this because it’s fun and informative.

You know, I won’t do this for MONEY or anything.

Lord knows, I don’t need any EXTRA CASH. It’s just for fun.

I won’t accept any MONETARY REWARD.

Even if I was to get a CHECK for whatever SOMEONE FELT I WAS WORTH, it would be taking away from all the personal pleasure I feel when I write for this column.

So, on to reality and the NON-PAID fun…

This month we have Valentines Day, National Cookie Week, National Peanut Butter Week, and National Dairy Month.

So let’s talk about chili.

I love chili. With beans or without, chili will warm you up and keep you running all day. Then at night you can make funny noises.

Here is one of my favorite recipes :

Clark’s Plagiarized Chili Recipe That He Stole From A Book

1 pound chopped beef
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 16 ounce can refried beans
1 16 ounce can red beans
1 8 ounce can tomato sauce
1 cup water
1 teaspoon chopped hot red peppers
1/2 teaspoon salt and garlic
1/8 (pinch) of pepper and cayenne powder
1 tablespoon of molasses (or 2 tablespoons of brown sugar)
Brown the beef and onion in a good size pot and drain the fat. Add all remaining ingredients and simmer for 3 hours on low heat.

“Gosh, simmering three hours is a long time. Why so long?”
Well, if I told you I would have to kill you. Anyway, it’s what they told me at Culinary School. A good soup or chili should simmer for a minimum of three hours. So it is, so it shall be done. Like I said, this is one of my favorites. If you don’t like it you can kiss my ass.

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“Dear Clark, use of foul language through our network servers is not acceptable. Please refrain from such use. Thank you.”
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What I meant to say was that if you don’t like it I’m very sorry.
OK, Now on to my chocolate cake recipe.

I really didn’t want to give this out but I am under threat of physical harm if I don’t. I make this all the time and everyone always asks me for the recipe and I never tell them.

I found this one in the same book and I won’t tell you the name but I will give the recipe except one ingredient.

Now, now don’t throw a fit.

The ingredient I’m leaving out is the topping and it sucked anyway…Oops.

Another Stolen Recipe For Chocolate Cake (and I won’t tell you the name of the book)

2 and 1/2 cups of flour
1 and 1/2 cups of sugar
1/2 cup of cocoa
2 teaspoons of baking soda
1/2 teaspoon of salt
2/3 cup of oil
2 tablespoons of vinegar
1 tablespoon of vanilla
2 cups of strong black coffee. (I’m talking pure Granny Clampet coffee)
With a fork, mix all the dry ingredients in the pan you are cooking the cake in. Next, mix all the wet ingredients into the dry until it is looks like batter.

Don’t over mix this or I will come to your house and piss in your mailbox.

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“Dear Clark, Your use of foul language has no place on this server. Please correct the situation or we will be forced to suspend your account. You have been warned.”
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I meant to say that if you over mix it, the cake will be too dense and that is not a good thing…hee hee…

Anyway. Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes. I like to top this cake off with cream cheese frosting. Though chocolate frosting is fine. Butter frosting is very nice. I like to take the leftover frosting and spread it on my hard 8 inch…

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Chef Clark Jewell is proud to be the Official Caterer at the Campaign For Free Speech On The Internet’s annual, “Bite Me Awards”, to be held later this year in Salt Lake City, Utah.