Feed Your Face, Vol 1 No 5: Movin’ To The Country


Hi all! It’s good to be back and writing yet another article for all my fans out there in Internetland. I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long but I’ve been through some personal crisis’ and well, I’m more screwed up than ever before. Hey! That’s life. So let’s get on with it.

Christmas is coming very soon and if you’re having a hard time deciding how to impress all the relatives that are coming, fear not!
The trick is don’t impress them! “How do I do that?”, you ask.
How the hell should I know?! I have my own problems, “Dammit Jim, I’m a cook not a Doctor!”

Well, here is the last minute menu I have devised and it is so easy you could spank yourself. (Then me…and please me too…spankings for all!)
Ok, here goes…

One Day Before Christmas

1. RUN down to the store and get yourself a precooked turkey. (Yes, a whole one)

2. DRIVE to the nearest KFC and get 1 pint of mash potatoes and gravy for every 3 people.
(Before you leave, tell the manager that the last time you ate there the food was cold and it really sucked. This should get you some freebies ’cause they just don’t want to deal with you. Trust me on this one).

3. GO BACK to the store, in the DELI and smile real nice at all the pathetic underpaid deli workers and ask for a gallon of fresh macaroni salad.
Demand that you want it fresh! Watch closely as the Christmas spirit turns into demonic possession.

4. WHILE STILL IN THE STORE, go to the frozen food section and get apple pies, pumpkin pies, cherry pies, and yes…mince meat pie.

5. RUSH TO A REAL LIQUOR STORE, and get rum, bourbon, grand marnier, wine, beer, soda, chips, dip, and those little tiny bottles that I love to bring on airplanes with me. There soooo cute!
(When the clerk says, “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas” after he checks your goods, say, “Yeah, I would if my mom/dad/grandma were still alive. This is my first Christmas alone…” (shed some tears)
I swear you’ll get something for free. TRUST ME ON THIS

6. GO THE VIDEO STORE, why?…..why?… It’s a great place to pick up chicks. After all the alcohol she’ll drink at your place you can leave her naked by the Christmas tree and you’ll have something to open in the morning.

7. GO TO BED…duh!

Christmas Day

8. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE…IT’S CHRISTMAS! Get that turkey and reheat the mash potatoes ‘n’ gravy and plate it up real nice for all those guests who will ask you who your new girlfriend is.
Let all your relatives drink as much as they can and watch them. It’s Christmas, dammit! The one time in the year where we all get together and get drunk and tell each other how we really love them and then we don’t see them for another year. Life is short. Live it up!

So, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to you and yours…
If you find a “Tickle Me Elmo” doll I want one for my kid….


And by the way, In January I’ll print my “Oh So Special” recipes.
Honest to Peety I will.

Chef Clark Jewell was recently the proud winner of the “The Ten Inches Of Heaven Award” presented by the Submarine Sandwich Club of Wisconsin – it sits proudly in his guest bathroom